Before and After
by wideopeneyes
Summary: Gippal's leaving Bikanel for the Crimson Squad, and Rikku's leaving Bikanel to become a guardian. On that last night, they make a promise to reunite, but they both know their chances for survival aren't good.


He awoke the instant she touched him, dragged out of a sound sleep by the brush of her soft skin against his. Her palm splayed across his chest, her hair brushed his shoulder, and her warm breath feathered out by his ear. It was pitch black in the room, but he knew who it was – only one girl in Bikanel felt like silk under his fingers, only one girl in Bikanel smelled like lavender, only one girl in Bikanel wore that sweet mint lip-gloss.

Her bare leg slid over him, and she balanced atop him, hands braced on his chest. They'd been flirting around each other for months and they probably would eventually have gotten together if he'd ever gotten the balls to ask her. But by the time he'd realized how much he _loved_ her, how much he _really_ wanted to be with her, he'd realized he _couldn't_ be.

There was the Crimson Squad, and they were going to let him join. Him, an outsider, an Al Bhed. It was the opportunity of a lifetime. And the chances were fairly good that he wouldn't be coming back. And he couldn't – _wouldn't _leave Rikku in Bikanel waiting for him, leave her with a broken heart, with scars at her young age. It would be better for them not to get involved at all. He didn't want to regret his decision, didn't want to worry about her, to mourn for the relationship that could have been. He'd thought that maybe she'd understood that.

"Cid's girl," he sighed, his hands coming up to stroke her bare back as she leaned down against him, tucking her head under his chin. Her breasts were pressed against his naked chest – was she bare all over? His fingers drifted up and down her spine, their easy path uninterrupted by fabric. "What are you _doing _here?"

"You're leaving tomorrow." Her voice was low, soft, and her fingers brushed across his chest caressingly. He stilled her moving hands, trying to shift her to the side – he didn't know _why_ she'd chosen tonight of all nights to sneak into his room and attempt seduction, but he was going to put that idea firmly out of her head _right now_. She was going to ruin all of his good intentions.

"You've got to get out of here, kid. If your old man catches you here, he'll _kill_ me." He tried to sound disapproving but if he was going to go off to Bevelle and an uncertain future tomorrow, there was no one in all of Spira he'd rather spend this last night with. And _she'd_ come to _him_.

"I'm _more_ worried about what those Yevon-worshiping drones are going to do to you," she said, and he could hear the concern in her voice, feel it in the way her fingers tightened around his as if she didn't plan to let go. She curled up against his side, and he slid an arm around her. How could he tell her to go when she said things like that?

"I'm…leaving, too," she said softly, hesitantly.

"Leaving?" He didn't get it.

She took a deep breath, knowing he wouldn't understand, knowing he'd be angry.

"I'm leaving Bikanel. I've decided to become one of Yunie's guardians."

"You _what_!"

She winced. "I'm going, Gippal. I'm all packed. I'm heading out first thing in the morning."

"You're _not_ going." He shoved her backwards, pinning her against the pillows with a hand on her ribcage. "It's suicide. There's no _way_ I'm letting you go."

"It's _my_ decision." She huffed, irritated. "Besides, it's not like you'll _be_ here to keep me from going."

"Rikku..." Didn't she know how much he worried about her _already_? Didn't she know that all he wanted out of life was the knowledge that she was kept safe, protected, happy? She _never_ considered consequences. She was foolishly impulsive, reckless, stubborn to a fault. His strong arms caged her in as he touched his lips to hers – in what was only their second kiss. They had far too little time together, far too few touches, kisses, embraces. He tasted cool mint and warm Rikku - an intoxicating combination. Her eyelashes fluttered against his cheek in tiny butterfly kisses, her lips touched his nose, his cheek, his chin.

"Promise me you won't go," he said. "Promise me you'll stay here, out of the way until it's all over."

Her lips curved against his throat in a wry smile. "No," she whispered. "I can't. Who knows when that'll be? Who knows if either of us will even succeed? Maybe neither of us will even make it back."

"_You_ won't be going." He tried to make it an order, a demand, but Rikku had never been one to take orders of any kind. She did exactly what she wanted to do in her own way, and no one and nothing had ever been able to stop her.

"I'm going. I have to go. I have to _do_ something." Her fingers clutched his arms, willing him to understand, willing him to accept, to embrace that which he could not change. "_You're_ doing something."

"It's different," he insisted. "We're going to _win_."

"Against Sin?" There was derision in her voice - clearly she thought him a fool. "You're going to die, Gippal. I'll never see you again."

There it was, that heretofore unspoken yet mutually understood likelihood between them. He knew it and she knew it and they both accepted it as a universal truth. Maybe they would win but more likely they would be forever separated.

"If I don't die, I'll be back. I want you to wait for me. Here, in Bikanel, where you'll be safe."

"_No_!" She slapped her palm against his chest, angry and horribly upset and he thought that maybe it was tears giving her voice that husky quality. Maybe she was crying for him. "I'm _not_ going to sit and wait! I'm going to _do_ something."

"You'll die. All summoners die and their guardians often die with them." He rubbed his fingers across her cheek, feeling the betraying wetness.

"We'll find another way. We'll stop any more summoners from having to die."

"What if you _don't_?" He shook her a little, trying to impress upon her the seriousness of her folly. "What if you _don't_ find a way?"

"Then I'll die," she said simply. "You're willing to lay down your life. I am, too."

"I don't _want_ you to," he said, "I _want_ you to stay here!"

"I want _you_ to stay here," she cried, "but if you're bound and determined to go deathseeking, I'm going, too! I'm not going to live here _without_ you!"

He knew what she was saying, and it knocked the breath from his lungs. She loved him. _Really _loved him. "Kid," he sighed. "I just wanted you to be safe."

"I know." Her breath sighed out shakily. "I know. And I'm grateful. Really." She gave a little shuddering sob. For a moment, she held him close, pressing her cheek to his shoulder. "So tomorrow, I'm going to forget you. I'll become Yunie's guardian and you'll join the Crimson Squad and we'll go our separate ways. And maybe we'll never see each other again."

He ducked down, burying his face in her hair, holding her so tightly she thought he'd never let her go. He didn't want to think about her in danger, didn't want to think that she could die far, far away from him. He didn't want to think about her beautiful eyes closing forever.

She nudged him. "You'll forget me, too."

"Never." He nipped her shoulder, breathing in the sweet scent of her hair.

"I want you to. I don't want you to worry about me, I don't want you to be distracted by anything. I want you to be safe. We'll forget so that maybe we can live and find each other and remember _together_."

He knew it was unlikely, but if she had hope, he could have hope. He sighed, nodding against the curve of her throat. "Okay, kid. Whatever you say."

"I'm staying tonight," she insisted. "Because it'll probably be all we ever get. Okay?"

And he wanted that, too. If he was going to go hunting for death, he wanted just this one night with the girl he loved.

- -

She left the next morning without waking him up, without saying goodbye. She was just…gone. And he supposed it made it easier somehow, because he didn't know if he'd have the strength to leave her if she'd stayed and cried and asked him not to go.

Not that she _would_ have asked him to stay. It wasn't like her to beg for anything. She would pout and express her displeasure at his decision, but she would never ask him to stay. And it irked him a little, because he had no problem asking her to stay behind, or even demanding that she do so. He had no pride when it came to her – none at all.

And he hoped that she would be okay, that all of Yuna's other guardians would treat her right, that the Crimson Squad would defeat Sin once and for all before she got anywhere _near_ the damned thing. That she would really forget him, forget everything but fighting to stay alive, fighting to make her way back Home safely.

But he knew that it was a futile wish, because _he_ would never forget _her_, would never forget the scent of her hair, her skin, her soft, smooth body under his, the way she clung to his shoulders and scratched his back with those sharp little claws of hers, the taste of her lip-gloss, the sound of her even breathing in the middle of the night when she'd fallen asleep and he'd stayed awake just to _look_ at her, to memorize her face, her peaceful expression in sleep and oh, god, she was just so _perfect_ that he wanted to _cry_.

There wasn't one _single_ thing he'd ever forget about her. His memories of her were as precious as water in the desert. And he meant to find his way back to her some day, if only they both made it back okay.

He didn't want to think about what would happen if either of them didn't return.

_A few years later_

It had been months since he'd last seen her, and even that had been at quite a distance with no opportunity for a private conversation. Now they were both famous, both thrust into the limelight (she for the second time in as many years). Now they were watched and admired and adored. They had championed their race, saved the people of Spira yet again, and still they had not achieved their long-awaited reunion.

At least, _his_ long-awaited reunion. He had no idea if she still wanted him. She'd been young…too young, maybe, and so naïve. He couldn't really expect her to still feel the same way about him. But he hoped she did. God, how he hoped.

- -

He heard the door handle turn, heard the hinges creak, heard the soft sound of boots across the marble floor. He didn't have to turn to see who it was. He knew. The scent of lavender tickled his nose. His heart raced.

"Hi, there, stranger," she said softly. He turned, taking in the sight of her. She was taller than he remembered. Her hair was longer and lighter, a sun-bleached blonde instead of glossy gold. She rocked back on her heels, fiddling with the trim of her long scarf. He didn't know where she'd gotten it, when she'd started flaunting her thin, tanned body, when she'd traded in practicality for sensuality. But then, he'd missed an awful lot. Birthdays, holidays, _everything_…he'd missed it all. And he wondered if maybe she resented him for never going back to Bikanel to find her.

But he'd thought it would be for the best – to let _her_ find _him_, if she so chose. Because he'd learned a few things since he'd left years ago. He'd learned that he wasn't strong enough to protect her. He'd learned that he wasn't as invincible as once he'd thought himself. He'd learned her strength, her perseverance, far surpassed his.

He'd learned she didn't _need_ him. There was nothing he could offer her. He couldn't make her stay.

So he'd decided instead to better himself, to build a business, to thrive and prosper outside of Bikanel. To make a life for himself, for the Al Bhed, for _her_. He was doing it to prove to her that he was worth something, that, even though he wasn't as strong as she was, that she'd succeeded where he had failed, that he was worthy of her. That he would work his hardest every day to be worthy of her, if she would have him.

"It's been a while." He kept his voice carefully neutral. "How have you been?"

"Oh, you know," she rolled her eyes. "It's tough going anywhere. It's been months and still people haven't calmed down any. I bet you've got your share of that, too, huh?" She punched his shoulder playfully, perching herself at the edge of his desk. "D'you know that there are _still_ people that insist on calling me _My Lady Guardian_?" She sighed heavily. "I've asked them not to, time and time again, but…" She shrugged her shoulders, an elegant motion. "So, how's the faction? I hear business is really picking up."

"It is. We're expanding, in fact. Soon there'll be a faction base in Kilika and Luca as well. We're staying out of Bevelle for a while. They're still a little wary of machines." He dropped into the chair behind his desk. "But we're successful, we're turning a huge profit every quarter. It's almost ridiculous." It was all true, but he was still hoping to impress her.

"That's great." She grinned. "I'm happy for you." She hopped off the desk, walking her fingers along the surface as she moved slowly towards him. "Gippal, do you remember what we promised? That last night, before we left Bikanel?"

She was looking at him through those long, sooty lashes, biting her lip like she was worried about what he might say.

"Yeah," he said. "I remember." All he could think about was running his hands through her hair, tucking her up against him and never ever _ever_ letting her go again.

"I-I know it's been a while, but I was thinking…" she trailed off uncertainly, tugging on one of her braids.

"It's been more than a while," he said. "It's been years. Two of them. And four months. And six days." He pushed back from the desk a little, though he didn't rise, and swiveled his chair to face her.

She blinked, surprised that he'd kept track of the days so precisely. "Okay," she offered wryly. "So it's been a little longer than a _while_."

"A long time," he agreed softly. "A long time to ask someone to wait." He was chastising himself for asking her to wait for so long, for making her seek him out, but she couldn't know that.

"I-I know that," she said weakly, tucking her hair behind her ears. "But I…I _still_ love you, Gippal. I was hoping…" She broke off abruptly, shaking her head. "Never mind. It's…it was stupid of me to think you might…I shouldn't have come. See you around." She whirled around, heading for the door. He shot up, grabbing her wrist and jerking her back around to face him.

"_What_ did you say?"

"Nothing. I…I…it was nothing. Really. Just forget it." She tugged futilely, but she couldn't break his hold on her wrist.

Quite suddenly it occurred to him why she was so reticent to reveal her feelings to him. He'd never told her he loved her. Not once, not even that one night they'd shared. She didn't know that he loved her, that he'd loved her for years. He'd have to tell her before she retreated even further.

"I love you," he said, watching surprise take its toll. She stopped trying to pull away from him. Her eyes went wide in disbelief, her lips parted as the breath left her lungs. He pulled her closer, sliding an arm around her waist. "I always did. I never stopped. But all the same, it wasn't fair of me to ask you to wait. It was wrong, _I_ was wrong. I'm sorry for that." He sighed. "I thought…maybe you'd changed your mind. That maybe I should give you a chance to think about what you really wanted, now that there's time, now that Spira's a safe place again. Maybe you could do better than me." He wasn't the best, not by a long shot. And Rikku deserved the best.

"You _idiot_."

It wasn't what he had expected to hear. Her palm struck his cheek, and he winced at the sting.

"_That's_ for making me worry." Then her hand cupped his face, and rose on her tiptoes to kiss the red mark, soothing away the hurt. "And _that's_ because I love you," she whispered. Her fingers skittered over his collar, linking around his neck as she kissed him, tugging his lower lip with her teeth. "It doesn't get any better than you," she assured him softly. "But," she cautioned, "if you ever, _ever_ do anything like that again, I'll have to hurt you."

He laughed at her threat. It was just like her, just the same sort of thing she'd have said to him years ago. She was loud and obnoxious and life with her was going to be anything but easy, but he loved her, and he wouldn't have it any other way.


End file.
